Hangovers 101

I was talking with Red last night about how your body changes after the age of 35. Like you start growing hair where you don’t want it, periods are worse/better, and suddenly you start getting hangovers.

Before I was 35, I thought people who said they had hangovers were just babies. But then like a whale on my yatch, BOOM! Hangover.
For any people under 35 that may think like I did…here is a little lesson on the phases of them.

Minor Hangover. Usually from a few beers of cocktails. No shots and no mixing. You probably didn’t even get that drunk

Wake up with a bit of a thirst. No headache but kinda tired.

Minor to Medium Hangover: Usually after 6+ beers or cocktails Maybe a shot or two. You got drunk but not dancing on the coffee table drunk.

Wake up with dry mouth and slight headache. After a cup of coffee you have the shits. By afternoon you feel almost normal.

Medium Hangover: After a large amount of beer or cocktails and some shots. You got pretty drunk and might have started slurring.

Wake up needing at least 3 glasses of water with 5 Advil. After cup of coffee you have the shits for an hour and can’t eat until afternoon.

Heavy Hangover: After so many beers or cocktails you are not sure you can pay the bar tab. You are so drunk, you think the house is falling over and the only thing out of your mouth sounds like Klingon. You’re pretty sure you are the most beautiful thing in the world and can sing and dance like Britney Spears.

Wake up on floor of bathroom with the plunger as your pillow and a bath mat thrown over your feet. Your mouth taste like Mickey Rourke’s armpit and there is unidentified food covering your shirt. Thankfully, you are already in the bathroom for the shits that will last most of the morning. Food, coffee, and even water will go right through you most of the day. If you ever get this hung-over, please do me a favor and SHOWER immediately. You do NOT want anyone to smell you today.

Lindsey Lohan Hangover: I’m not sure I need to explain the amount of drinking this kind of drunk requires. Let’s just say if you plan to drink so much you need to cover one eye to see, you need to wear your panties and carry your medical insurance card with you.

Wake up anywhere from the bathroom to under the neighbors porch. If there is a taste in your mouth you wouldn’t know because your tongue is so dry you could sand furniture with it. There is a loud banging that you can’t pinpoint until you realize it’s your heart beating but somehow it’s in your head and not your chest. You find bruises covering most your body and may have Taco Bell burritos in pockets of your clothes. The dogs won’t come to you because they think you’re a stranger due to the smell. It hurts to breathe and blink so you lie in bed and try to hold your breath. The spins last all day and your taste buds are missing. Don’t try to eat as you won’t be able to taste anything. Plus it will just come back up. Your eyes are so bloodshot you start to wonder if you got maced. You will vow to never drink again and start planning all the glorious things you will do with your time besides partying.

HOWEVER!!: My advise is if you ever are dumb enough to get Lindsey Lohan drunk, the best cure is a red beer for breakfast. (a beer with tomato juice in it)
It may sound awful but once you can keep it down you will feel much better. Just make sure to stop at 1 or 2 or you will be back where you started!!

Cheers!!



Today’s Status Update: I just discovered if you listen to a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What’s even worse, if you play if forward, you hear Nickelback.

Bitchnmoan

I don't like complainers. But I'm going to do it now just to get some things off my chest.
Here are some of the things that bug the shit out of me.

1. People who complain.
Everyone complains I know this and do it myself (like right now) but really......nobody cares. And the worse are people who complain on Facebook. My Ex-girlfriend only posts something if she is bitching about something. Most of my friends have "hidden" her but I don't. I like to read her post whenever I am getting lonely from being single.

2. Talking on the phone.
I hate it so much. Thank Dog they came up with text. If my phone rings, I let it go to voice mail or text the person to see what they want. Don't ask me why I'm this way. Maybe it would be better if people would call me and heavy breath or sexy talk to me.

3. Elevators with other people.
If I am at work and I see people waiting for the elevator, I will take the stairs. I know I should all the time but I'm lazy so I push the button and get in. Hurry, push the floor I'm going to then repeatedly press the "close door" button before anyone can get in there with me. For some reason, I'm okay with people I know but with strangers make me uncomfortable.

4. Air Conditioning in Summer.
I LOVE summer. Just love it. During the winter, the only thing that gets me through is thinking about being warm May - September. So when it finally gets here why in hell do people think it needs to be 40 degrees indoors? There should be no reason for me to wear a jacket indoors but there is one now draped over me at work. Fuck that.

5. Housework/Yard work
If it would just STAY done, then fine but I clean or mow and damnit to hell I have to do it AGAIN within days! And same with those dumb dogs I own....they constantly want water and food. Didn't I just give them some last week? Sheesh!

6. Other drivers.
Nobody can drive but me. I should teach driving school. That way I can be called Ms. James. And carry a clip board.

7. Public bathrooms.
The ones with the automatic flushers bother me. For one thing, it looks like a hidden camera and I already sit there looking at all the places where one could be hidden. Like in the sprinkler, floor drain, fan or behind the mirror.

8. Mornings.
I am pretty sure this is not just me because of the look on people’s faces at work before 10 am.

9. Stupid people
I understand if you have a learning disability but don't EVER pretend to be stupid because that just make you stupid. And yes, I have met many people (mostly straight girls) who think its "cute" to feign dumb. It makes me want to punch your face.

10. List that end in 10.
Just kidding, I just want to be done with bitching now.
What are your complaints today?


Todays Status Update: If your OCD and you know it, wash your hands!

Letter to My Body

Dear Liver: Really? All I had was BEER!!! Give me a little slack here....
Dear Stomache: Sorry about not feeding you yesterday. See I was going to eat but BEER happened and I forgot.....
Dear Head: I understand that I drank a bunch of BEER last night but this headache has been hanging around for 4 days!! WTF?
Dear Vagina: Your welcome!
Love,
Tesa

Vampires Talk

(backstory: My friend R is reading the Sookie Stackhouse books I loaned her)

R: Okay one thing bugs me about these books why is Sookie such a cry baby

Me: I know right? Shut the fuck up already. You get to fuck VAMPIRES!

R: Exactly!

Me: I think in later books she toughens up.

R: God I hope so I want to Bitch slap her.

Me: With your tit. Do it with your tit. I like that image.

R: I'm totally doing it with my tit and if she cries I'll smack her with my other tit.

Me: MOTORBOAT!!

The Angry Child

You’ve seen this picture right? Like 1,000 times or more. It’s one of those images that comes up on every persons blog sooner or later.
What I wonder is how this child’s parent feel about it. Did they know when they took a picture of their child that it would end up being the poster child for “anger”? Did they have any idea they had the Susan Boyle of angry pictures when they took it or did they just click it and be done. Then later slap it on an email to Aunt Marge and she decided to throw it into internet land.
Do you think when this kid gets older he will be on a “Where are They Now” special talking about how his notoriety turned him into a meth addict that turned tricks for his habit until he found God?