Hangovers 101

I was talking with Red last night about how your body changes after the age of 35. Like you start growing hair where you don’t want it, periods are worse/better, and suddenly you start getting hangovers.

Before I was 35, I thought people who said they had hangovers were just babies. But then like a whale on my yatch, BOOM! Hangover.
For any people under 35 that may think like I did…here is a little lesson on the phases of them.

Minor Hangover. Usually from a few beers of cocktails. No shots and no mixing. You probably didn’t even get that drunk

Wake up with a bit of a thirst. No headache but kinda tired.

Minor to Medium Hangover: Usually after 6+ beers or cocktails Maybe a shot or two. You got drunk but not dancing on the coffee table drunk.

Wake up with dry mouth and slight headache. After a cup of coffee you have the shits. By afternoon you feel almost normal.

Medium Hangover: After a large amount of beer or cocktails and some shots. You got pretty drunk and might have started slurring.

Wake up needing at least 3 glasses of water with 5 Advil. After cup of coffee you have the shits for an hour and can’t eat until afternoon.

Heavy Hangover: After so many beers or cocktails you are not sure you can pay the bar tab. You are so drunk, you think the house is falling over and the only thing out of your mouth sounds like Klingon. You’re pretty sure you are the most beautiful thing in the world and can sing and dance like Britney Spears.

Wake up on floor of bathroom with the plunger as your pillow and a bath mat thrown over your feet. Your mouth taste like Mickey Rourke’s armpit and there is unidentified food covering your shirt. Thankfully, you are already in the bathroom for the shits that will last most of the morning. Food, coffee, and even water will go right through you most of the day. If you ever get this hung-over, please do me a favor and SHOWER immediately. You do NOT want anyone to smell you today.

Lindsey Lohan Hangover: I’m not sure I need to explain the amount of drinking this kind of drunk requires. Let’s just say if you plan to drink so much you need to cover one eye to see, you need to wear your panties and carry your medical insurance card with you.

Wake up anywhere from the bathroom to under the neighbors porch. If there is a taste in your mouth you wouldn’t know because your tongue is so dry you could sand furniture with it. There is a loud banging that you can’t pinpoint until you realize it’s your heart beating but somehow it’s in your head and not your chest. You find bruises covering most your body and may have Taco Bell burritos in pockets of your clothes. The dogs won’t come to you because they think you’re a stranger due to the smell. It hurts to breathe and blink so you lie in bed and try to hold your breath. The spins last all day and your taste buds are missing. Don’t try to eat as you won’t be able to taste anything. Plus it will just come back up. Your eyes are so bloodshot you start to wonder if you got maced. You will vow to never drink again and start planning all the glorious things you will do with your time besides partying.

HOWEVER!!: My advise is if you ever are dumb enough to get Lindsey Lohan drunk, the best cure is a red beer for breakfast. (a beer with tomato juice in it)
It may sound awful but once you can keep it down you will feel much better. Just make sure to stop at 1 or 2 or you will be back where you started!!

Cheers!!



Today’s Status Update: I just discovered if you listen to a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What’s even worse, if you play if forward, you hear Nickelback.